In the silence of our solace.

As the light hits your face
All I think, this is grace. This is grace.
I am captivated.
Cocooned in your beauty.
In your smile. Your laugh.
Time passes but my hands don’t see it.
Don’t feel it.
All they feel is you.
You’ll softly graze my cheek.
I’ll chuckle.
I’ll patiently extend my fingers.
I’ll cradle you.
For you are delicate.
I’ll breathe you in.
For you are air.
As the light hits your face.
All I think.
This is grace.

In Transition.

I can’t help but feel a bit down on myself lately. I’m not saying this to attract attention and have people saturate me with compliments on whatever it is I’m down about. I feel a bit lost. I feel a bit strange. I am in transition. That’s about the only way I can explain it. I find myself a little more emotional than ever. It scares me. For so long I’ve taught myself to keep that stone cold face, to keep others from ever knowing what I’m thinking or feeling. And my anger was what allowed me to pretend that I wasn’t feeling anything at all. But now, now I can’t seem to stop being emotional. Everything is serious. Everything is personal. Everything is frightening. Everything is passionate. Everything is powerful. Everything. I can’t help but tell you that the reasoning for this is because things in my life are very different from whatever I could have imagined. This isn’t a bad thing. This is life being life. And this is just me adapting to it. I use the word “adapting” without its negative connotation attached to it. Adaptation is what allows every species to grow. And I am growing. Awkwardly at first, crookedly at best, but still growing. And that’s all I could ever ask for.

For some reason when I reread this post to myself, it seems like it’s full of complaints but let me clarify this. This is what I want. I want to live. I want to feel… I want to feel something other than anger. I say I’m in transition because I’m becoming the person I am meant to be. I take a glance at myself in the mirror. I see the old me underneath those newly developed wrinkles on my forehead and around my eyes. Recently, I’ve been thinking. Recently, I’ve been laughing. Even though I am older, and maybe a little bit wiser, I still see myself. A more distinguished me. But with change comes fear. And with fear comes self-destruction in one way or another. Everyone is involved in sabotaging their own lives every once in a while, especially when things are strange and unfamiliar. The strong are those who are able to acknowledge it, accept it and move on with their mysteriously wrinkled faces.

I am in transition.

I am in unfamiliarity.

I am in uncharted territory.

I am in fear.

I am in pain.

But I am in strength.

An oldie...

Wrote this a very long time ago. Obviously meant to be spoken by my twin sister and me. Corny but cute.

Twins

Me: They say twins have the power to understand each other without speaking.

Allie: haha that's weird… alright you need to stop thinking about your hair. IT LOOKS FINE!!

Me: One egg, one womb, we grew.

Allie: Connected by an umbilical chord we learned to share our first meals.

Me: We both came out scrawny and white.

Allie: But we came out screamin' alright. I learned how to walk.

Me: I followed. I learned how to speak.

Allie: well we all know that was a mistake.

Allie: They say twins can read each other's …

Me: Thoughts.

Allie: Hey Remember that time...?

Me:haha oh yeah. And remember when...?

Allie: You know I hate when you tell that story!

Me: They say twins can feel each other's pain. People ask.. "If
someone pinches you will she feel it?"

Allie: "hey If someone poisons you, will you die!?"...................…………When I'm hurt..

Me: I cry. When I'm happy..

Allie: I smile. When I'm lonely...

Me: I'm here.

Me: We have a bond that no one else can imagine.

Allie: Because for them it's too scary to try.

Me: We have the power to understand each other.

Allie: Because we took the time to practice.

Me: We have a love that no one can duplicate.

Allie: Because they won't allow it to grow.

Me: All we're asking is…stop trying to dissect us

Allie: And start reconnecting yourselves.

....

There are moments of silence

Moments of still

Breaks in this motion

I find to be my fill

And when I finally halt

Whatever fears I may keep

My heart will have its exercise

My legs will have their sleep.

The truth is...

I can’t exactly put to words the way I feel (or don’t feel) tonight. The one word that remotely comes close is indifference. A lack of feeling has swept over me, although not because of anything that has come to pass. Usually, I find people irritating. I find people insoluble. I find that certain people affect me in different ways. But tonight, tonight I find indifference. This could be a good thing, depending on the person. Because the truth is, the opposite of love is not hate it is the lack of feeling. To hate is to admit to some kind of emotional bond to that person, that place or that object. Hate, I’ve realized, is something I am familiar with. This, I am not proud of and in my efforts to change I need to understand where my hatred stems from (something I’m working on). To love is quite obvious, although I have yet to come to terms with, or to even slightly understand what love really is. But love can be associated with a variety of symptoms as can hatred. And what we seem to know, or elude ourselves in believing, of the concepts of love and of hatred has only been a construction of what we’re “supposed to” believe…

Alas, I digress.

But if I continue with this thought process: if concepts, in general are a construction of society’s doing, maybe indifference is something I really know nothing about. It is told to me that it’s an absence of feeling, or concern, or interest. You are in the state of being indifferent. But if I feel it, can it not also be an emotion? Hmm… a paradox indeed.

I find it interesting that these thoughts come to me at hours I should be asleep…

It's your choice. What's it gonna be?

I’m not usually one who likes to make speculations about certain issues pertaining to society in general and certain people specifically but sometimes.. I just can’t help myself. Recently, I’ve encountered a plethora of teenagers in a variety of environments, whether it is at a high school, at work or around town. Now, one trait most of them seem to share is apathy. I see these teenagers on Long Island, excluding a selective few, who are given everything they want and need, everything they want and don’t need and everything they don’t even want. This in it of itself is not necessarily a bad thing because I know my parents wanted to make sure I was comfortably happy with my life, however one thing that separates me from a lot of these teenagers today is that I a.) Greatly appreciate all of the sweat my parents put into working to make sure my sisters and I had everything we needed and basically everything we wanted (And still to this day make sure my parents know we value their efforts) and b.) Even though they worked hard FOR us, they also worked hard WITH us, instilling a sense of work ethic and responsibility. I know that it doesn’t really matter WHAT you do but HOW you do it. If I work mopping floors, as long as I sweat doing it, I know I’ve worked hard. My grandparents, on both sides, didn’t go to college, didn’t have a lot of money growing up, and still built a foundation for their family, still kept at it even though days were long and exhausting, still had time to make sure their children knew what it meant to work and to be proud of something that they were a part of. My parents have now transferred that sense of accountability onto us kids. I am deeply saddened by teenagers who don’t take their education seriously, who don’t work hard for the things they receive and who don’t appreciate everything their parents have done for them. I am also deeply saddened by teenagers who aren’t involved in what’s going on around them. Here’s my advice to you all. GET INVOLVED. Life doesn’t change or get better by sitting on your ass. Sooner or later you need to make the decision of whether or not you want to be the leg in which society is proud to stand on, or the blemish in which society only prepares to hopefully scrub away.

I thought I was PAST all of this?

You hear a song and it brings you back to a moment in time where things seemed so right.

It brings you back to a person who you confided in, maybe for a number of years, maybe only for a short period of time, maybe just for that moment. 



Your eyes capture a simple shape, a figure in the dark, a color that triggers a memory of the way his face curved, the way her hair glowed at dusk, the way it was when you felt a presence next to you. 
 


Your nose catches an aroma, a scent that you were never able to put words to and involuntarily stimulates the nerves in your head, in your fingertips, and sends signals directly to your heart. 
 



It sends you on a journey back in time to a place you may or may not want to go. 



And even now I wonder why...moments that seemed so insignificant in my life at one point are now moments that I can't seem to forget.

Are you a safe driver?

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm full of feeling. I know how I feel at the exact moment I feel it. And I'm not usually afraid to say it. I believe life is too short to beat around the bush and too precious to be bottled up. I've come into contact with people who are obviously nothing like me. I do enjoy a variety in relationships with people, so of course I encounter those who do not wear their emotions on their sleeves. It gets to the point where I question if they feel anything at all. I know of people who use false intimacy as a way to keep people around, but only at arms length. They use just enough to keep others near but not nearly enough to keep others close. Why? What is there to fear?... feeling anything? Let's just say I'd rather be an emotional car crash than an illusioned "safe" driver. Because being safe doesn't necessarily mean never being hurt by someone else. Instead, you're doing the hurting to yourself.

Then again, I guess it's not my place to question...

25 Years

As my hands grow older
So do the stars
But they’ve been here for millions of years
Searching for their counterparts

And I’ve only walked this earth
25 rotations around the sun
25 more and I’ll be gone
Leaving behind a revolution

As my hair grows longer
So do the days
With summer approaching and the marigolds soaking
In the sun we’ve all learned to praise

And I’ve only braced that light
25 terms in my life
25 more and I’ll be gone
Leaving a trail of gratitude behind

As my feet grow colder
So does my heart
But it’s been aflame longer than proclaimed
So I’ll take all of what I part

And I’ve only lived with this heart
25 winter courses
25 more and I’ll be gone
Leaving this earth with no remorse

Yes I will leave this earth with no remorse.

Change please?...

I've just recently realized something that shocked me to no end. I've changed my perspective on life and quite honestly it's made me happier. Of course everyone gets down in the dumps every so often but I've been low for so long that I needed to change something. So within the past few months I've experienced a dramatic shift in consciousness. I've learned to appreciate what I have (completely), and I've taught myself to find happiness in moments that only call for sorrow. Someone very close to me told me that "Happiness exists in limited moments... you need to grasp it whenever it shows itself because it won't be there for long." And I have been. I've been doing things I've dreamed of doing but never thought I'd have the courage to do: taking trips, really getting to know new people, dating (who knew), writing a book, making music. All things that I love. I realize that life is too damn short to not experience it the way it's meant to be experienced. So let's just say, I'm happier knowing that I'm not wasting my time. I'm happier when I use that time to be with my family and friends. I'm happier knowing that I'm learning to love again, but this time with no reservations. I'm happier knowing that in life, it's not having what you want, it's wanting what you have. I'm also happier knowing that I'm learning this all at 25, rather than 60...