Monday, August 2, 2010

In Transition.

I can’t help but feel a bit down on myself lately. I’m not saying this to attract attention and have people saturate me with compliments on whatever it is I’m down about. I feel a bit lost. I feel a bit strange. I am in transition. That’s about the only way I can explain it. I find myself a little more emotional than ever. It scares me. For so long I’ve taught myself to keep that stone cold face, to keep others from ever knowing what I’m thinking or feeling. And my anger was what allowed me to pretend that I wasn’t feeling anything at all. But now, now I can’t seem to stop being emotional. Everything is serious. Everything is personal. Everything is frightening. Everything is passionate. Everything is powerful. Everything. I can’t help but tell you that the reasoning for this is because things in my life are very different from whatever I could have imagined. This isn’t a bad thing. This is life being life. And this is just me adapting to it. I use the word “adapting” without its negative connotation attached to it. Adaptation is what allows every species to grow. And I am growing. Awkwardly at first, crookedly at best, but still growing. And that’s all I could ever ask for.

For some reason when I reread this post to myself, it seems like it’s full of complaints but let me clarify this. This is what I want. I want to live. I want to feel… I want to feel something other than anger. I say I’m in transition because I’m becoming the person I am meant to be. I take a glance at myself in the mirror. I see the old me underneath those newly developed wrinkles on my forehead and around my eyes. Recently, I’ve been thinking. Recently, I’ve been laughing. Even though I am older, and maybe a little bit wiser, I still see myself. A more distinguished me. But with change comes fear. And with fear comes self-destruction in one way or another. Everyone is involved in sabotaging their own lives every once in a while, especially when things are strange and unfamiliar. The strong are those who are able to acknowledge it, accept it and move on with their mysteriously wrinkled faces.

I am in transition.

I am in unfamiliarity.

I am in uncharted territory.

I am in fear.

I am in pain.

But I am in strength.

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