Are you a safe driver?

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm full of feeling. I know how I feel at the exact moment I feel it. And I'm not usually afraid to say it. I believe life is too short to beat around the bush and too precious to be bottled up. I've come into contact with people who are obviously nothing like me. I do enjoy a variety in relationships with people, so of course I encounter those who do not wear their emotions on their sleeves. It gets to the point where I question if they feel anything at all. I know of people who use false intimacy as a way to keep people around, but only at arms length. They use just enough to keep others near but not nearly enough to keep others close. Why? What is there to fear?... feeling anything? Let's just say I'd rather be an emotional car crash than an illusioned "safe" driver. Because being safe doesn't necessarily mean never being hurt by someone else. Instead, you're doing the hurting to yourself.

Then again, I guess it's not my place to question...

25 Years

As my hands grow older
So do the stars
But they’ve been here for millions of years
Searching for their counterparts

And I’ve only walked this earth
25 rotations around the sun
25 more and I’ll be gone
Leaving behind a revolution

As my hair grows longer
So do the days
With summer approaching and the marigolds soaking
In the sun we’ve all learned to praise

And I’ve only braced that light
25 terms in my life
25 more and I’ll be gone
Leaving a trail of gratitude behind

As my feet grow colder
So does my heart
But it’s been aflame longer than proclaimed
So I’ll take all of what I part

And I’ve only lived with this heart
25 winter courses
25 more and I’ll be gone
Leaving this earth with no remorse

Yes I will leave this earth with no remorse.

Change please?...

I've just recently realized something that shocked me to no end. I've changed my perspective on life and quite honestly it's made me happier. Of course everyone gets down in the dumps every so often but I've been low for so long that I needed to change something. So within the past few months I've experienced a dramatic shift in consciousness. I've learned to appreciate what I have (completely), and I've taught myself to find happiness in moments that only call for sorrow. Someone very close to me told me that "Happiness exists in limited moments... you need to grasp it whenever it shows itself because it won't be there for long." And I have been. I've been doing things I've dreamed of doing but never thought I'd have the courage to do: taking trips, really getting to know new people, dating (who knew), writing a book, making music. All things that I love. I realize that life is too damn short to not experience it the way it's meant to be experienced. So let's just say, I'm happier knowing that I'm not wasting my time. I'm happier when I use that time to be with my family and friends. I'm happier knowing that I'm learning to love again, but this time with no reservations. I'm happier knowing that in life, it's not having what you want, it's wanting what you have. I'm also happier knowing that I'm learning this all at 25, rather than 60...

the Void

I wonder when I write these things... who are they really going to? Who will read them? Who will analyze them, like I have? Who will like them? Who will be brave and willing enough to critique them?

If it's no one... then I'm talking to the Void. Hi Void.

The good and bad thing about the Void is that it doesn't talk back.

Soo....

I've been thinking lately... about what I want in life. And really, my mind goes blank. Of course there are the occasional thoughts of possibilities... but unless I act on them, they really go nowhere. I'm 25. Let me say it again.......TWENTY FIVE. I have no career, no house, no social life, really, and i'm on a narrow path to a place that I don't think I want to go. Don't get me wrong, I am greatful. I am greatful for my parents who worked their hardest to pay partially for my undergrad career at Stony Brook University, for my sisters who, even on my worst days, are willing to take my crap, my friends for always being there when I needed someone to cry on or bitch at or even attack. I'm greatful for living. And living well.

If there is something I should be doing.... give me a sign.

So, I'll send this message out to the Void, in hopes that it will hear me... and maybe finally answer.

October.

The brightness of the sun, shining through the window on this candescent harvest day blinds me as my eyes open wearily. I find contentment with mornings like these. For an instant I forget all stress, all annoyance, all pain and breathe in that autumn smell of foliage and firewood. A light breeze enters the room lazily, lingering. I kick off my sheets to feel its soft touch upon my legs. “A bit cold,” I think to myself, but I don’t mind it. There’s something to say about October. I don’t know if it’s because in October Fall shows its colors, brighter than any other month, or if it’s the spirit of Halloween, but there’s something magical about October, something surreal. I can’t really explain it. And it is mornings like these that really surround me with that feeling. And this feeling only increases throughout the day. It seems to even heighten more when the moon peaks her bright red face out from behind Horizon’s silhouette. There’s something to say about October’s Moon as well. It feels, almost as if her gravitational force is pulling at me, making me feel light, even buoyant, like I could jump and never touch the ground again. Of course, the gravitational force of the moon is the same now as it is at any other time during the year, yet it’s still enchanting. I remember when I was younger I would believe that the moon was quietly talking to me, through her colors, through her beatific face. Each night I’d look up to her, hoping for something. I never knew what it was I was looking for. For some reason, though, my eyes, my head involuntarily tilted towards the sky. And in this vision I felt a surge of power rush through me like water races through a straw, abounding and swift. And even now the 11 year old inside of me still feels exceedingly powerful whenever I see that Moon.

The process of thought.

I've made mistakes numerous times in my life. Sometimes minute, sometimes great. Regret is something I don't like to admit to, but I find myself doing so on occasion. It's funny. I look at the past and wonder where the hell the time went. I look at the future and wonder if it'll ever be as good. Maybe I have a nostalgic view of how it "used to be." I wish I could understand it. I wish i can grasp it, pull it into my chest and hold on tight. Never let go. But there's a reason why they associate "time" with sand. It slips right through your fingers. You can't even feel it, until your hand's empty.

Someone I know very well told me the other day that he's realized one thing. Life's not about your past, it's not about making a future, it's about being around the people who make you smile, who make you laugh, who make you love. And I've realized that's it. It's about BEING. Just being. Because being is present. And the people you love who are present with you are all that really matter.

So in that aspect, I shouldn't regret a thing. Nor should I really worry about what's going to happen... because it's going to happen no matter what I do.

Clumsy.

And I'll grab hold of the wall before I walk out of the light, 'cause I'm not the falling type, no i'm not the falling type.

Wondering if this is ironic advice hidden deep within my subconscious.